It feels like I’ve taken everything I’ve ever been given and used it all as a method to walk away from God. Like God’s message to Israel through the whole Hosea/Gomer story, God taught me to walk only to find out I would use the skill to walk away (read Hosea 11 for some sobriety).

If I use the wrong (or maybe the right) math’, I am a monster like Frankenstein or Lennie (Of Mice and Men), but more like Frankenstein–created for good things and only capable of evil. I am capable of remaining faithful in every decision, but I find a way to continually require that God spin good out of my evil. So either I’m not following his lead or I’m simply screwing up and leaving casualties in my wake that God has to fix.

Every time I hit bottom, the casualties leave me fewer and fewer hands to help me up. I miss my friends and I may always have to. But I need to know that God will take my “family” out of Sodom despite my decisions.

May explain my hermit-like behavior. Just afraid to hurt anyone else. It’s like a mission effort to spare people by helping them pass me by.

All this could sound like depression-sourced talk, but I’ve really moved beyond that and am simply trying to at least make it make sense. Not justification, but at least a little peace in knowing that God will/can/does clean up my carnage in others’ lives.

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